Snow

Snow is complex. Not chemically: a couple of hydrogen and an oxygen come together below 32°F (0°C) in the atmosphere, eventually becoming too heavy to stay afloat and drift, tumble, flurry down to an oddly expectant planet.

Snow is complex because there is such dichotomy in its existence. Perhaps this rings true for many things that I am simply overlooking, but I can think of few comparable examples that can bring such simultaneous elation and chagrin.

Sunday night, along with a large number of my college-attending peers, I was overjoyed to learn the school administration had bowed to the weather's whim and given us a snow day. The sentiment carried over to Monday morning, when most woke up at a later than average hour due to the nonexistence of academic obligations.

Yet, once pelted with a snowball, or after taking an unexpected dive on an inopportune sled ride, the love for snow died quickly. Complaints of the cold, and the wet, and the driving difficulty all began to drown out the adoring comments we had for the precipitation just a few hours earlier. Those comments returned Monday night, and Tuesday as well when we received two additional snow days.

Similarly, snow has great connotations for both death and birth, innocence and degradation. Christ is said to have washed us whiter than snow--so it is a standard of cleanliness and purity. But, at the same time, snow brings desolation. There are few things as harsh and violent as cold, and as subtly destructive as ice. For many, snow spells death. Any vegetation or unsheltered wildlife is certainly doomed at the arrival of snow.

The only things that can survive snow are those that can fight it. Humans combat it with our central heating and snowplows, but we welcome it with adulation. Snow is, like almost everything else in creation, complex. Love to life to death to doughnuts have a pro and con comparison, a good and bad connotation, especially humans. The beauty of it all, and at least one purpose of art, is sifting through the light and dark of it all.

"To Fetch A Pail"

What you probably know after reading my blog for o-so-long, is that I am a poet of sorts. What you may not know is that this past semester I took a poetry writing class. The reason you do not necessarily know this is because I have not posted any of my poetry that came out of that class. Now I am remedying this--

To Fetch A Pail
2009

A modern Jack and Jill,
Arduous brother-sister partnership
That climbs in search of water
May find that what the bucket's
Filled with, what they're looking for,
Is not the expected clean and clear.
While trying to construct to
Some sort of paradise,
The bridge we thought we'd built
Across the infinite looks great
But weighs down on our shoulders
As we try to carry it.
Let's try some demolition:
There is a devastating majesty--
A clear, pure stinging to the heart
That can catch you, safe.

Of Materialism

"Our minds, which are even now only just awakening after years of materialism, are infected with the despair of unbelief. The nightmare of materialism, which has turned the life of the universe into an evil, useless game, is not yet past; it holds the awakening soul in its grasp."
--Wassily Kandinsky, Concerning the Spiritual in Art

Materialism can be applied to an over desire for pleasure and other sins, yes?

Not Sunday Morning Worship

"If you will not worship God seven days a week, you do not worship Him one day a week."
--A.W. Tozer

True story. Tell your friends. I've found that my unwillingness (subconscious or otherwise) to worship God or give him glory instead of my carnal desires throughout the week can lead to a relative apathy when it "comes time to 'really' worship Him" on Sunday morning.

Death, Be Not Proud

My English professor, Dr. Cynthia Furr, passed away in an accident caused by two street-racers yesterday. Her 2-year-old daughter was killed as well.

I am usually do not react with extreme grief or sadness to deaths, and I was honestly sad, but not depressed at the passing of Dr. Furr: she was a believer, and so I knew she was enjoying eternity.

When I found out that her 2-year-old daughter died as well, and that her husband had therefore lost his wife and precious girl in one fell swoop, it has done more than trouble my heart.

I am reminded of a message by John Piper that I posted not too long ago, in which he says through all circumstances, the gospel allows us to say:

"God is enough. God is enough. He is good. He will take care of us, He will satisfy us, He will get us through this. He is our treasure. Whom have I in heaven but You? And on earth, there is nothing I desire beside You. My flesh and my heart, [our circumstances] may fail, but You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever. That makes God look glorious."

And so I must seek God in all things. In the eternal perspective, our lives are so infinitesimally small compared to glory, and because this is not our home, how can we be angered at the destruction of that which is not our final resting place.

The world is dying, and death is part of that. But thanks be to God through Christ Jesus our Lord, we have eternal life, and death will one day die. O Death, where is your sting? I pray that God be glorified in everything, even Dr. Furr's death.

"Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
...
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die"

--John Donne, "Holy Sonnet X"

Wait Upon The Lord

Many Christians, including myself, have said that they just don't have the strength to overcome whatever sin we're dealing with, or don't have the strength to do what is right, to love people or whatever the chosen 'right thing' we need to do is.

Chris Tomlin's song "Everlasting God" (written by Benton Brown) contains the following lyrics:

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

These lyrics are based on a verse from Isaiah 40: "they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength."

Here's where we fail, we say "But I have been waiting on God to be my strength, I waited for so long!?!" No, you didn't.

In the event of temptation, as an example, let's say you wait for God to be your strength, but after minutes, hours, even days of waiting, you give in. And then you'll say "God didn't come." Well, we didn't. wait.

If you gave in to temptation, you didn't wait for God. Sure, you waited. But we didn't wait for God, we waited for God until we figured he just wasn't going to show up.

It's like the cliché story of a long lost lover who comes back only to find his beloved has married another. She didn't wait for him. She waited until she "couldn't" any more, or until it became more inconvenient to wait than to give in. [Count of Monte Cristo, anyone?]

While the movies will say that she never stopped loving her lost lover, I will say she did. If only for an instant. So are we with God.

I'm not saying we totally abandon our love for God, but we do stop loving him for at least a moment, the moment where we loved whatever sin, whatever lust, whatever idol, or even ourselves more than the Everlasting God who created us, the Strong Deliverer who has and continually will deliver us.

The Pursuit

Even if I don't end up going to TVR to work this summer, I'm super stoked about the theme: The Pursuit, based out of II Timothy 2:22:
"So flee youthful passions, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with all those who call upon the Lord with a pure heart."
There is so much theology in that one verse, it blows me away.

The one thing I do love about this verse is that it particularly points out that the Christian walk is a difficult, not taken lightly task...it [hopefully] will let the kids know that it is not easy, and that it does take work.

Now, if I could just preach that to myself.

The Fellowship of the Unashamed

The following letter was written by a young pastor in Zimbabwe who was later martyred for his faith, taken from the book The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning:

I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made--I'm a disciple of his. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished and done with love living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on his presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and labor with power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bough, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, shut up, or let up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must keep going until he comes, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until he stops me. And, when he comes for his own, he will have no problem recognizing me. My banner will be clear.

Perilous Sympathy

"It is perilously easy to have amazing sympathy with God's truth and remain in sin."
-- Oswald Chambers

Oh, how easy it is.

Down With Joel Osteen

While the title to this is very obviously pointing at someone else, one of the most moving things about it was that it slapped me in the face just as powerfully as I hope it would those that perpetuate the health and wealth 'gospel,' and as I hope it will you.

So check it out, John Piper powerfully contradicts the prosperity, "health and wealth" Gospel:

The Despair of Unbelief

"Our minds, which are even now only just awakening after years of materialism, are infected with the despair of unbelief. The nightmare of materialism, which has turned the life of the universe into an evil, useless game, is not yet past; it holds the awakening soul in it's grasp."
--Wassily Kandinsky

I have come to the realization that I am the owner of a hardened heart. And not in the "Oh yes, T.J., everyone has a hardened heart" sense, I'm realizing it's more along the lines of the "God gave them over to their sins," nigh on unrepentant hardened heart. Essentially what this means is that I need to stop making excuses and start loving Jesus.

I have fallen into the same cycle of ridiculous actions, all the direct results of my like of belief:

• I do not pray, because I do not believe that my prayer will be effective.
• I do not love, because I do not believe that God loves me.
• I do not show grace, because I do not believe that I need God's grace.
• I do not follow God [and in turn follow various, numerous idols] because I do not believe that God will satisfy my every need.

I am reminded of a quote by Jonathan Edwards: "There must be a direct and immediate sense of God's glory and excellency. I say direct and immediate, to distinguish it from a mere perception that God is glorious and excellent by means of speculative and distant argumentation, which is a more indirect way of apprehending things."

This is where my belief fails. I have a "mere perception" of all of the above things, I have speculated and participated in "distant argumentation" of each of these things, but none of them are real to me. Just as if I was arguing that Britain exists...sure, there's a logical progression to arrive at that conclusion, but I've never experienced it, which limits my belief.

I look at what I thought I believed for all these years, what I thought I had 'down pat,' and wonder, like the older prodigal son, why I don't get to experience the grandeur that my brother does. Forgetting, ridiculously, that I have always had access to the Father and his blessings.

So now, the Father has extended his invitation to come into the 'party,' into his blessings, into his glory...what will I do?

Escape Trouble

"Escape is an activity born from intimacy."
--Prodigal John

Check Him Out

It Should Be

"Just because it is, doesn't mean it should be."
--from Australia

This statement, while somewhat trite and almost undoubtedly stated before in some much more articulate manner, struck me again tonight. Not in a huge way, as some poetic, spiritual, or meaningful statements normally do, but in a more subtle, reaffirmation sort of way.

The idea of the current state in contrast with the desired or "should be" state is something that radiates from the core of human existence. While we will very often come to different conclusions as to what the "should be" should be, every human can agree that things are not as they should be.

So often we look at the "is" and discount the "should" as unattainable, or not worth the time and effort it would take to attain. Either that, or we'll overlook what is and simply accept it, not even attempting to examine the justice of the status quo, content to tolerate the way things are without as much as a second guess.

As a believer, my entire existence is about looking at the "is," and realizing that it is not as it should be. This can range from the simple knowledge of the fact that this life, what is right now, is not as it should be, but what should be is just around the corner in glory. Or it can mean looking around me into the brokenness of the world and my own heart and using the life and love and grace God has given me to bring order and life and love and grace to it.

Set Before Us

This one was a straight-up prayer to God. It's passionate and therefore powerful.

"Set Before Us"

O to talk to You, to walk with You!
God I thought I’d been walking with You for quite some time,
But now I’m convinced it’s been little more than baby steps; a crawl if at all.
How can I move forward if I keep setting tripwires and minefields for myself?

I want to run the race marked out,
To persevere until the end,
But when You’ve been knocked down as many times as me,
To see that end-of-tunnel light is only growing more difficult each night.

These set-backing knock-downs haven’t even been powerful pushes:
Light breezy gusts of stupid, un-sated, petty desires
That have blown my chaff-like heart off course:
Here and there, to and fro; places I never intended to go.

But lo and behold, truly truly I say to You!
I am stuck in the muck and filth of my heart,
I need a brand new start in this eternal race!
Faith hasn’t been mine for quite some time.

I’ve sought salvation and satisfaction in plenty of petty idols.
Truth be told my soul is in a hole like Sheol: Dark, and damp.
God please be my all powerful, eternal, faithful lamp
And guide my baby steps into strides
On the race that my pace may increase
Until at last I see Your face, in that glorious place.

God take my depravity,
I need help to break free from the weight of sin inside of me.
Help me not shirk my responsibility,
But take my best, take my worst,
Give me a marathon runner’s thirst,
For You.

Less Than Watchmen For The Morning

I wrote this in a moment of desperation, and for that reason, it is powerful. At first I thought it was not as well done as some of my other stuff, but I have since retracted that judgment.

While it is not as technical or vividly poetic as some of my other work, it is not worse, simply different. Few of my other poems have the raw emotion that this one does.

Can anyone tell me where the title comes from?

“Less Than Watchmen For The Morning”

My sanity is gone.
My sanity is GONE!
I must be crazy to be thinking these thoughts
Or saying these things, these words:
I know I’m going crazy, I know I’ve gone insane.
It’s the pain…or lack thereof.
My heart’s a black hole, devoid of love.
Oh sure, people love me.
And I’d love to say I love them too,
But actions speak louder than words, you know?
…and those have been sorely lacking of late.
And I sure as…well, I’ve got a few idols I love more than You.
True, I know that You Love me the same yesterday, today and even tomorrow…
…or do I?
That’s why I must be going crazy,
I must have lost my mind.
Because it’s You I cannot find.
Oh Lord El Shaddai, I don’t know why
Your All-Sufficiency isn’t sufficient in my mind.
I can’t see You…I don’t feel You.
I want to feel, God, I want to HEAL!
He said taste and see but weak stupid me
Isn’t up to that now.
I need change, God please rearrange all the idols of my heart
Start to regenerate this flesh!
The self-imposed darkness is closing in,
Elohim, speak-------into the darkness
And breath life, end my internal strife.
I do not feel You nigh, I don’t feel…not even to cry
And so I wait.
I don't want to, I don't care to try
But I wait.
Please come Adonai.

I Like To Swim

"The mathematician goes mad, not the poet, because the mathematician tries to build a bridge across the infinite when the poet can swim in the sea."
--Donald Miller

I will almost definitely be revisiting this quote.

Life and Death Situations

Tonight at youth group we started a new series with the middle school kids, titled "Mirage." It's all about how a lot of times in the world, things are often deceptive, especially in the area of sin. There's four messages, and tonight's was "Sometimes Death Looks Like Life."

While I think that poetically (and artistically) speaking, the ideas of death and life are used incredibly often, and rightly so, because they are two major components of human existence. However, to sound out in the din of the messages about death and life, you must say something either bound in truth, or discordant with the rest of the messages.

Christianity is one place where the message given about life and death is both discordant with the world and bound poignantly in truth.

Now, I would like to remark upon the frequency that, in this world, death very often does look like life. Satan's name of 'deceiver' is no misnomer. He has effectively masqueraded many death-causing circumstances, occurrences, activities, etc., to look as if they are actually the path to life. (Just to note, when I speak of 'death,' the concept I am referring to is not only the literal death or end of life, but also the participation in sin in this world, which, in effect, 'kills' a believer's soul)

If you are unsure that such a concept is true, let me enlist an example:

Lust, specifically sexual lust, has as its goal the temporary satisfaction in a person, something that can be thought to bring life. The bestowing/reception of affection from someone is 'life-awakening,' as is the simple satisfaction in them. One could even make the point that if a child was to come of it, life was born of the original desire.

However, outside of marriage, this lustful desire for someone leads only to death. How many relationships and even marriages have been destroyed when people give themselves over to their desires, lured into the promise of life that the lust gives?

And so I urge you, and hope that you will urge me to not fall into the trap that has been set. I am one of the chiefest offenders in this area, too many times have I followed my flesh into a fallen promise. Do not so follow!

I hope to delve into this idea more fully in the future, and with the ongoing series at youth group, I'll hopefully remember to. For now, I'll leave you with a quote from Jonathan Edwards:

"So there is nothing here below by which we can attain to happiness, though there be many of the high and great things of the world that seem to others that don't enjoy them as though a happiness was to be reached by them. Yet those that have experience find happiness as far from them as from those that are in a lower state of life."
[From Images of Divine Things]

Idolatry, A Practiced Art

A lot of my life of late has been spent dealing with a relative "spiritual depression" that I had been experiencing for a while. To a certain extent, I am still dealing with it, but I can see the proverbial light at the proverbial end of the proverbial tunnel, to be proverbial. Recent events, dealings, readings and other sundry circumstances have assisted me in this emergence from the darkness.

After a long period of surmising, contemplating and failing, I realized that a great deal of my depression and lack of sentiment for the Lord was my consistent and repeated idolatry. I know that we've heard many a time that "Idols are not just those statues they worshiped back in the day in Canaan, you know!" but I do not think that we have truly comprehended this, or attempted to examine are lives with this in mine. At least, I had not for a long period of time.

Well, I am sad to admit that my heart is, as John Calvin stated, “a factory of idols…everyone of us is, from his mother’s womb, is an expert in inventing idols.” Well in my heart's factory, our specialty idol to is godly young women.

That's right, I said godly. I have the unfortunate ability to turn nearly every sister in Christ into a dating option. A select few have gone beyond this, to the point where I looked to them for my satisfaction instead of God.

It took me a while to realize that this idolatry has pretty much characterized the past year of my life. I have repeatedly pursued several different females, or at least "had feelings" for them, which was in fact my form of worship of them. My campus minster gave a great message on idolatry based out of Hosea, I'd encourage you to check it out, it basically expounds on what I'm trying to get across here.

Well, it has been a difficult process to tear down these idols. It has been a slow process, a tiring one, a frustrating one, for sure. Just about every time I think I've torn down one of these females as an idol, my heart begins to entertain the thought and affections of another.

Sometimes I want to literally slap myself in the face when my thoughts incline to a new girl, and I wish I could just blot out the entirety of the female gender as options for relationships. I have really had to seek God in this to figure out how to fix this aspect of my walk.

To conclude, I have had some recent epiphanies and discoveries in this area, and I will be sharing them in this venue, instead of the previously preferable Facebook. I'd love to hear feedback on them.