That word has always intrigued me: defunct. Obviously coming from the same root as "function," but with the negative "de" attached, therefore making it essentially mean "not working." This is what goes on in my brain. I guess that's part of why I am an English major.
There was a point last week where I was seriously questioning my creativity. So I asked you to ask me questions. And because of one of those questions, and an excellent video posted on Stuff Christian Like, I have delved further into this idea.
I've come to realize that I am overly self-absorbed in, well, myself. I mean, T.J.'s a pretty cool guy and all, but he's nothing too special. I should know. I am he. (and yes, that is proper grammar). Basically, I am intensely concerned with how well I do things, and if I will fail.
Failure is one of my biggest fears. Not in all things, but in things I care about--and rarely will I verbally tell you what those things are. If you are carefully observant, however, you will be able to tell. If I get pissed when I don't do well in it, I probably care. If I get horribly despondent and morbidly introspective when it isn't going as planned, I probably care.
The problem is, all of this caring how things turn out comes from a place of pride, where I think one of two things: A) That I can do something, anything, whatever-the-task-at-hand-thing better than whoever I am competing against, or the personal standard I set for myself. B) That I can do anything good and pure and right without God. Both of these assumptions are wrong, and feed off the inherently competitive nature of pride (something that was brought to my attention by C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity, which I will probably discuss further in the future).
So when I fail to live up to my standard or God's standard (which, I dunno, always), I feel the pressure of the entire universe falling on me as I attempt an Alas-esque feat, trying to maintain my whole world.
I have my thoughts on why this is wrong and how to fix it, but I'm interested to hear what you think?
Monday, April 12, 2010
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Well, the fact of the matter is that you are nothing without God. Period. Without him you have no free will, you have no self to be prideful about. You have to go back to basics. In the beginning there was God and in the end there will be God... and you. God put you here not to try to supersede [hope thats spelled right] other's skills but simply to live for him. And considering that Pride is one of the seven deadly sins then I would try to keep myself in check.
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What you wrote is pretty much my problem in a nutshell--a really heavy nutshell. Whenever I feel the pressure of my world start to bear down on me again, it reminds me to pray. And prayer reminds me that God's in control of everything.
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