The Despair of Unbelief

"Our minds, which are even now only just awakening after years of materialism, are infected with the despair of unbelief. The nightmare of materialism, which has turned the life of the universe into an evil, useless game, is not yet past; it holds the awakening soul in it's grasp."
--Wassily Kandinsky

I have come to the realization that I am the owner of a hardened heart. And not in the "Oh yes, T.J., everyone has a hardened heart" sense, I'm realizing it's more along the lines of the "God gave them over to their sins," nigh on unrepentant hardened heart. Essentially what this means is that I need to stop making excuses and start loving Jesus.

I have fallen into the same cycle of ridiculous actions, all the direct results of my like of belief:

• I do not pray, because I do not believe that my prayer will be effective.
• I do not love, because I do not believe that God loves me.
• I do not show grace, because I do not believe that I need God's grace.
• I do not follow God [and in turn follow various, numerous idols] because I do not believe that God will satisfy my every need.

I am reminded of a quote by Jonathan Edwards: "There must be a direct and immediate sense of God's glory and excellency. I say direct and immediate, to distinguish it from a mere perception that God is glorious and excellent by means of speculative and distant argumentation, which is a more indirect way of apprehending things."

This is where my belief fails. I have a "mere perception" of all of the above things, I have speculated and participated in "distant argumentation" of each of these things, but none of them are real to me. Just as if I was arguing that Britain exists...sure, there's a logical progression to arrive at that conclusion, but I've never experienced it, which limits my belief.

I look at what I thought I believed for all these years, what I thought I had 'down pat,' and wonder, like the older prodigal son, why I don't get to experience the grandeur that my brother does. Forgetting, ridiculously, that I have always had access to the Father and his blessings.

So now, the Father has extended his invitation to come into the 'party,' into his blessings, into his glory...what will I do?