I am very tired of the ups and downs of my spiritual walk. It is no news flash that very often I am doing well spiritually for three or so weeks, and then gradually plummet into spiritual waywardness, and subsequent apathy and depression.
I was told that this may be "par for the course" for my spiritual life. That is, that this may be the norm and I could just have to hunker down and fight it out, work through it; because my spiritual lows are countered by my spiritual heights which are a blessing to me and others.
The thing is, if this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life, then I don't want it. At least not right now. Maybe sometime in the future God may illustrate to me how I can do it, how I can perpetually rely on him, or how it is worth it, but right now, I do not see that.
Frankly, I don't feel like trying anymore. I'm so tired, so worn out, and I don't see any foreseeable change or help. I would like to just give it up and go do whatever.
However, that is not an option. My source of purpose, my meaning, my existence is found in my faith alone. There is no other reason that makes any sense. I would love to adopt some sort of epicurean hedonistic lifestyle, but that would be horribly wasteful and I would know it, which means that I would not, as a competent individual, be able to do that.
So right now I'm stuck between wanting just to throw in the towel and knowing full well that there's no such option.
Friday, May 8, 2009
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i understand completely how you feel, brother. i have battled with this very issue for years. the only encouragement i have at the moment is that we know what is Truth. and the more you fight, the more of the Truth you can see, which makes it easier to fight. the Christian life is not one of casual flippancy, but one of constant spiritual warfare, until we go home.
ReplyDeletei'll keep praying for you, baby bear. keep in touch.
this may be completely unhelpful but i feel the need to just type the first unfiltered thoughts that popped into my head when I read this
ReplyDeleteLive your life.
And things will fall into place.
Stop analyzing.
Stop guilt tripping yourself.
And for goodness sakes,
stop using the word 'spiriual'.
the Hebrews had no use for it, so why should we?
Everything is spiritual.
It's understood.
Hey T.J., trust me when I say I completely understand. Just know that you're not alone, even when it feels like you are. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2UZXgQaeQg&feature=PlayList&p=48FAEE016406E845&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=59
One of my favorite songs...I hope it helps :)
always,
Allie
John 8:32
I feel the same way right now.
ReplyDeleteLike... EXACTLY the way you described.
In fact, I can't believe I got through that I'm crying so hard.
If you figure it out, let me know, cause Lord knows I'm getting nowhere.